what now??

since i'm going to express my feelings therefore the language used might be the best way to describe how i feel...

Damn lonely now... i mean what's up with the loneliness... with friends chatting in the chat group and games available...

What's wrong with me?? why do i feel like i wasted my whole 16 years of my life... like i never had an impact on anyone or change something... it's like i'm totally useless... no use at all...

whenever i read or know about what others are doing... i'm always wondering... why didn't i do it... or they are so lucky...

maybe dreams are too far... but nowadays dream is the only thing that is keeping me alive... that one day i will succeed and laugh back at those who teased me... that i could crush their lives the same way they did to me... that i could make an impact on the world...

what's wrong with me?? i want a new chance to have a better life... is it too much to ask??

i'm keeping stuff more to myself nowadays... as i realised whatever i want to do receive objections from my family... even talking is like a crime... i didn't know a conversation could be that hurtful, that painful, that pathetic until now...

a conversation started by me could be thrown back with thorns, stones, sticks, knives, forks, hammer, pick axe... you name every sharp object and you will get the picture...

am i really that useless?? can't i at least do anything right?? is there really nothing that i'm good with that can be recognised by people??

can i say something without being criticised for being me??

can there be a place in the world for me?? can i be accepted??

I want to be a someone...
someone that people remember for who they are and not what they are...

I still...

I still hate Chinese New Year...

although it brings holidays... yet i still hate it...

i don't hate it as a new year but i hate those pretence during the whole period...

everyone is like 'happy chinese new year' and so on...

that's why i'm upstairs in my room... and blogging...

i just hate being downstairs with my cousins... they never think before saying stuff... they are adults yet sometimes they behave very childish...

whatever larh...

i still hate them and won't care about them....

and i still hate chinese new year...

I realised...

I realised that because of my stubbornness... i missed out a lot of things...

but then i realised too that... if i was there... i would have been lonely...

then... i realised that my friends would not be happy with me there...

in the end...

i realised... i hate myself... i hate being like that...

i realised... i still disliked them... that i sometimes hate myself for being around them...

i realised... i loss my friends... or whatever they are... cause i don't want to care about how they treat me anymore...

i realised... i have no true friends at all...

i realised... all my dreams will only be dreams...

i realised... nothing good seems to happened to me...

and i realised you are reading my blog... thank you...

Updating... Hari GERKO...

Ok... so my friend was telling me to update my blog cause i've not been on for like years...

ok... yesterday was Hari GERKO... which means duty... anyway... i was late for the first half of school... then when i reached after recess... i stayed in the hall until school finish... with half the class missing... only Pn. Sim could still teach... a cheers for her...

anyway... it was tiring as i walked the whole hall... asking people whether they are interested... so here's my final dialog... after many tries...
请问你们知道什么是SPBT吗？你们的课本就是我们提供的。我们现在在招生。你们有兴趣吗？一年只有三次meeting，年头年尾忙而以。有兴趣吗？你可以先拿我们的risalah去考虑先。谢谢。

that's was what i said almost the whole day...

next, i want to congrat the Form 3s on a work well done... although you may not have reached the target set... but you have done your best...

成功不在于到达了目标，而是从中学习并且获得经验。。。

你们做了很棒。。。今年的新生有重重的考虑才参加。。。所以到最后也是看到队友多少位学生会成为我们的会员。。。

不想多说。。。

不想多说，
因为怕你说我乱说。

不想多说，
因为你不听。

不想多说，
因为这是你的风格。

不想多说，
因为事情已过去了。

不想多说，
因为要让他们独立。

我是不知道为什么会这样。。。是某位senior说的。。。 他告诉我为什么一个人都没有。。。不知道是不是你安排的。。。

也许是我多嘴。。。你不告诉他们该做的事，也不插手与他们的事。。。但到底，我们还是他们的长辈。。。也应该管下他们说做的事情。。。为了自己也好，为了学会也好。。。他们所做的事情会对他们的未来有一定的影响。。。会对学会有一定的影响。。。

他们这一次还剩下一次的机会来表现自己。。。

Mum told me...

Mum told me... to tell her about how i feel... or about any problems...

Mum told me... that when all feelings are bottled up... the bottle will break...

Mum told me... when the bottle shatters... the pieces will hurt those who cared for me...

Mum told me... when the pieces hurt them... i will be the one most hurt...

Because when the bottle shatters into pieces... there will be no bottle there...

I will be all broken and hurt...

And it's hard to patch it all back...

Advices for the Year

January
Positive thinking will let you use the ability you have.

February
Three A's for excellence: Attitude, Aggressiveness and Appearance.
March
Success occurs when opportunity meets preparation.
April
When we do more than we are paid to do, eventually we will be paid more for what we do.
May
You are the only person on this earth who can use your ability.
June
Happiness is not where or when; it is here and now.
July
The five most important words are: You did a good job.
August
Keep moving if you love live, and keep your troubles well behind you.
September
If people like you, they'll listen to you, but if they trust you, they'll do business with you.
October
Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts.
November
Kindness is one thing you can't give away-it always comes back.
December
Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful.